Inside: Do you suspect your friend is jealous of you? Here are the signs of a jealous person and how to deal with jealous friends. It’s not you…it’s them!
You think you have the great friends in the world. You’ve had too many fun times to count and laughed so hard, you’ve cried. They’ve always seemed so supportive of you, especially during tough times and been so loyal.
Then one day, they take issue with you on trivial things and down play your success. You sense they almost want you to fail.
They start making comments that ruffle your feathers and you start to wonder to yourself. “Could they be jealous of me?” Aren’t girlfriends supposed to to be HAPPY for each other? Sadly, it doesn’t always work that way.
Jealousy can lead to fighting, exchanging harsh words and even possibly never talking to each other again.
- First, I’ll talk about the signs of a jealous person.
- Second, I’ll discuss what brings on jealousy and why friends become jealous.
- Third, I’ll help you decide if these friends are worth keeping around.
How to Deal with Jealous Friends
Signs of Jealousy
Jealousy stems from insecurity, plain and simple. Jealous people covet desired things that others hold. It could be love, financial security, status, lifestyle, success, popularity, independence, self-control, freedom, happiness or anything held of high personal value to the person who becomes jealous.
You may be asking yourself “How does a jealous person act?” Well, they start to be bothered when good things happen to you.
Jealous people talk badly about you to mutual friends. They start pointing out all of your faults to others and persuade them to see your shortcomings. As good things happen to you, jealous friends get more resentful until nothing you do is right in their eyes.
Jealous friends will downplay your success instead of celebrating it. You’ll notice their lack of emotion or enthusiasm when good things happen to you.
I remember quite vividly how some of my friends were not so happy when I got engaged to my husband. I had finally found a good guy to marry and they downplayed it. They seemed disappointed and had a hard time not showing it.
Signs of Jealousy
Here are the signs a person is jealous of you.
She/he:
- discounts your success.
- isn’t happy when good things happen to you.
- competes with you.
- tries to upstage you.
- doesn’t support you.
Some jealous people are busy bodies, speak negatively, often talk badly about others, are very insecure about their looks, money, and self-worth. They may have a persona that is much different than their true home life.
They act as if they have a desirable home life but, in reality, they are unhappy and possibly disgusted with their husband/boyfriend, financial status, or job. Perhaps they’re jealous that you became a stay-at-home-mom while they’re a struggling single mom. In reality, they simply want what you have. They covet certain aspects of your life, if not all of it.
Your jealous friends may be regretful of their own poor decisions and take it out on you.
Did you land a great job or a big promotion?
Sometimes, these people rather be friends with people who they perceive as having less than them – less money, an unfulfilling job, a jerk of a husband, unmarried or unhappily married (if they want to be single again) etc. Therefore, they can pity them and in return feel better about themselves and their own lives. This is not uncommon.
These type of women (and men too) may be jealous of your wonderful husband and successful relationships you have with your family or other friends. They may show possessive behavior of your relationship and try to control you and your feelings. If you dare bring up your feelings of discontent with them, they deny ever doing anything wrong and may even tell you that you are the problem. Does this sound familiar?
Once I told my ex-best friend that I felt as though she thought I was inferior to her. Her response? “It’s all in your head.” I said to myself “I don’t think so!” It’s best to avoid confrontation with people who are like this because you’ll never get anywhere with them period!
Why Are Your Friends Jealous of You?
It is very disheartening when you feel your friends are jealous of you. Simply put, they want something you have.
- You got a job promotion.
- You met a great new guy.
- Did you just come into money?
- You just bought nice a new house.
- You recently got engaged.
- That new car you’re driving is really nice.
- You got out of debt and have extra money.
- You just had a baby.
Perhaps you worked very hard for that promotion, sacrificed time with your family, or you weathered through personal life storms to obtain the life you now have. Maybe you and your husband sacrificed a lot to obtain your financial freedom and good lifestyle.
You can not control the way your jealous friend feels.
My friends just couldn’t handle that they couldn’t pity me anymore and that our friendship was even possibly based on pity. I made them feel better about their own lives because I lost my parents while still a teen and then didn’t have a husband and kids for many years. That’s so sad… isn’t it?
There’s a great book about jealousy on Amazon (both in Kindle and paperpack) called “Jealousy: The Sin No One Talks about: How to Overcome Envy and Live a Life of Freedom” by R.T. Kendall. This book can transform the way you understand jealousy and envy and free you from it! It’s a very helpful book to get you on the right track whether you’re hurt from jealousy or if you are jealous of others.
Weddings Bring Out Jealousy
Getting engaged often brings out jealousy. Your friends are anxiously awaiting to find out who you’ll choose to be your Maid (or matron) of Honor and who’ll you’ll choose for Brides Maids or some will just assume certain positions. It’s hard to not hurt people feelings when making selections and people feel ENTITLED!
Friends are always comparing who has a better dress, wedding reception hall, bigger diamond ring, etc. Instead of focusing on the most important things like premarital counseling and things that really matter. Money doesn’t make people happy in the long run!
I’ve heard time and time again how girls have to get a certain dress because all of their friends (or their parents) spent x amount of dollars. Don’t get caught up in it. And if you’re fortunate enough to be able to afford a nice wedding, don’t let others ruin it for you by their rude comments and them telling you what to do. Sometimes, they just don’t want your wedding to be as nice as theirs.
So, when you’re getting married, just anticipate one or two of your friends will display signs of jealousy. It’s almost inevitable!
Did you finally upgrade to a new house?
How to Decide if You Should You Keep Your Friends or Dump Them?
If your friends display jealous behavior that is minor and isolated, it may not be substantial enough to dump them. If your friend’s jealous behavior upsets you, makes you feel depressed, irritated, anxious, angry and hurt, you should really consider whether or not they deserve to be in your life. When you feel like you give more than you get all of the time, think twice about keeping these friends around. Animosity builds over time and like a rubber band that is being stretched to far, it’ll break eventually.
Sometimes friends don’t want you to be happy because they are not happy with their own lives. They don’t want you to be happy either. Have you ever heard of the cliche “Misery loves company?” It is hard to swallow and understand when they are supposed to be your friends. Would they admit that? Probably Not!!! Most likely they will deny they are jealous.
Here is a quote from the movie A Bronx Tale which, sums it up jealousy quite well.
Jealous Friends Quote from a A Bronx Tale movie
Find New Friends, Better Friends
As our circumstances change due to marriage, divorce, become parents, relocate, etc. we will need to make new friends. It is natural for people to want to be friends with others in which they have much in common. For example, when I had my first child, I tried to make friends with other new mothers so we could talk about our transitioning to motherhood, new experiences and find solace. Some of my older friends were past this point or still in the singles party scene.
Did you get married and start a family?
When you have jealous friends, it is almost inevitable that the friendship will perish. Losing friends to jealousy will leave you feeling as though you did something wrong when in reality you just became successful and/or happy. Unfortunately, there are people who will not be happy for you unless they are happy with their own lives.
Learning how to deal with jealous people isn’t easy. In most cases, you are better off without these people in your life. They were not friends with you for the right reasons in the first place. Don’t blame yourself and take some time to heal. Remember the saying “If you find one true friend in life, you are lucky.”
“You can’t be friends with someone who wants your life.” -Oprah Winfrey
Yvonne, I know how you feel. When I was unattached for ten years, my friends were happily married and then when I got married some became widowed or divorced. The tables turn and everything changes. The best thing you can do is NOT compare yourself to others. You’re not in a competition with them. Don’t let your feelings of jealousy eat you up. Be happy for her and find your own happiness. By the way, her being on the phone when she was out to lunch with you is so rude! It’s inconsiderate to you and you deserve to be treated better than that! I wish you the best Yvonne and hope I’ve helped you.
I so get this too, my neice who is 17 years younger than me has got engaged & I am super jealous as I am 46 & 2 failed relationships & she talks to her fiance lots too, I do think she could stay the same, I dont mind @ all if shes engaged but I dont like it that I tell her things & she tells her fiance, also I asked her to tea the other night & she sat in her car for 25 mins talking to her fiance on the phone, I could have cried & when she came in she was off the air & real quiet, I do think she didnt need to call him a couple of times I have called her & shes on the phone or she gng to ring, I dont mind but please have a bit of tact when I am single & spend time with me too as if she doesnt one day she might wish she had, I feel like I have lost her now, I dont bother asking her for breakfast as I always have to shout & it’s all she talks about like hey, cant u ask me a few things about my life too
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this situation. I think you can proceed in your friendship with caution. If they keep getting jealous and it’s bothersome to you, it may be time to think about moving on. Good luck. I know it’s very hard to do.
i really understand now why my friends were so sad when they found I topped my examination but I didn’t get a clue because they appreciated me and suddenly called me arrogant i was confused for a moment . what do you think should I keep them of just let them out of my sight and contact
I’m sorry you had to experience this Selena. Just keep shining and be happy. You deserve it!
I have had to slowly ditch some so-called friends. One used to compliment me all the time and tell me how amazing I am. But as soon as I pass college course,join a band and lose 8 kilograms. She starts being sarcastic towards me and telling me that she’s too busy for me and hangs around with others. Stops complimenting me. A mutual friend broke my heart quite badly and she asked me was I going to see him play in a concert. I said no I wasn’t because her and her friends were planning to make fun of me so I didn’t go. I was also fat shamed by her friends. I am only a size 12. I don’t need such negativity. They always wanted me to be less than them in order for them to feel good about themselves.
I appreciate the correction. I’ve updated the post!
The quote is from the movie “The Bronx tale” not Goodfellas.
You are very smart to cut negative people out of your life. I kept them in my life hoping to change their life perspective but, instead I dealt with a lot of negativity and jealousy. I had to learn to let go of them, the hurt, and move on so I could be more happy with my life and not feel controlled by them any longer. Sometimes, I have too much compassion and am simply too nice where I sacrifice myself for others. I’ve turned a new leaf!
Thanks. It is very hurtful. Sometimes it helps to know that this happens to many of us and you aren’t alone.
Great article. I’ve had this happen with a few times and one in particular that really hurt. I thought we had a real connection and special bond, but as things moved forward for me and she was struggling, instead of letting me be there for her, she told me she was happy for me, but felt we were in two different places. It’s sad, but at the same time I can understand things from her perspective.
I’m really sorry you had to deal with this–it’s never pleasant, especially when it’s from people that are supposed to be friends who want the best for you. Over the past decade, I’ve been in the habit of cutting negative people out of my life so I like to think my friends and I just want all the good things for each other. The positivity and encouragement is really helpful! No one deserves to have to deal with that kind of negativity!
I think a lot of this also stems from competition between women (and men too) where you don’t know you’re in a competition until your winning and they start disliking you for your success. So, you may get encouragement, as I did from my friends but, when I started to obtain more success (graduated with Beachlor’s degree and then Master’s, followed by promotions, better paying jobs, nice car, house, even losing weight, etc.) that’s when it starts. I’m glad you haven’t experienced this and hope you don’t. It is very hurtful.
What’s interesting about me and my life is that I do not hang out with people who are insecure, and generally that is where jealousy stems from. When something awesome happens to me, my friends are SO PUMPED for me and if something happens to them that kicks butt, I am so beyond thrilled for them! We are each other’s support systems!
Sorry this is happening to you Jody. I’m not surprised because you are doing so well and people get jealous. You deserve your success and I know you worked hard. Don’t let them get you down. I’m proud of you too. When is your going away party? I want to go and see you off! Good luck friend!
My dear friend i sm facing a similar situation. You got it all correctly. I worked hard and sacrificed my time ,social outtings,family time, etc, to get my education. I received a promotion,bought a house and moving to a new state. I found many people starting talking about me,but behind my back. Then slow they didn’t talk to me at all. I it is hurtful. Everyone makes choices in life and I’m happy when my friends choices come to fruition. It would be nice To receive the same.Its hurtful,but it just makes me continue to wrk on my goals and stay true to myself. I’m srry You re experiencing this hurt from friends. You are a wonderful person. I’ve heard, you know your doing well when ppl start disliking you for it. Keep that chin up. I’m proud of you!!
It is harder to make friends after 30. As a matter of fact, I am drafting a post about this topic too. Jealousy is one part of it. The older we get, it seems harder to find good friends. I think it is worse in your 40s and 50s. Unfortunately, this topic is quite relatable for many of us. Thanks for your comment!
I have (or should say had) a friend in our group who did this to almost all of us! There was a group of us who were close, but then suddenly someone gets engaged and she stopped talking to them. Someone has a kid or gets a promotion at work and she has found reasons to unfriend all of them. She now only talks to one friend from the group (which is extra awkward), but to me it really is a shame. It is so hard to make friends after 30, why would you just throw away people like that? I guess the moral of the story is that if that’s how they act then you didn’t want them in your life anyways sadly.